do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
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I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
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It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
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