I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
just found out there is no tactful way to ask your girlfriend to wax her stache. no matter what a google search would have you believe.
Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
how bad is she
captain morgan with tits
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
As Scar once said. Be prepared! For the shit show of what's coming tonight
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
Heels with jeans turned Casual Friday into Casual Sex With My Boss Friday
Randomize
