Yeah unless I can find some idiot to make love to
My t9 writes chubies instead of bitches.
either way. win, win.
I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
There were 11 girls in that minivan and everyone was either puking, crying, or yelling "we're a total shit show"
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
Woke up on the stairs at my parents house. Good start to vacation.
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
He made me spaghetti, gave me wine and I fucked him on the floor, Is that a fair trade of services to you?
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
Randomize
