Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
Fuck him for salsa, please. I heard its a good recipe.
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm sitting with my parents watching football and moaned when I saw his shirtless picture. They looked at me weird so I had to turn the moan into a laugh. A sad, really horny laugh.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
Verdict: uncircumcised.
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
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