ok so i jsut did the walk of shame with this random guy that i had sex with at the hotel party, and the lady at the front desk said "wow you're just now leavin?"
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
I was at a bus stop, eating a load of bread. Fairly sure I'm the poster child for poor students.
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
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