Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
It was literally like being eaten out by a dog. That bad.
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
We should tie ourselves together anytime there is any type of alcohol involved. It's the safest way. I either end up with freshmen or weird ex bfs. You end up with a large cowboy. This is not good for us
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
You are softly singing to the wall while slow dancing with it. I feel as though you should discontinue this behavior.
After the nose/jizz incident i think our relationship can handle anything.
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
So, if you eat too many protein bars, you will shit your pants. This I learnt today..... at work.
Don't forget to make sex 3rd on your calander
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
Randomize
