oh well we may not be friends on facebook but at least i got laid
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
This is one of those situations that make me think to myself "what life decision did I make to get here"
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
He's a downgrade and it was quick. But it was dick nonetheless.
Randomize
