Thats cool. we found a cat INSIDE a coke machine.
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
with your flexibility, and the size of my penis, amazing things are possible.
Yeah got a self inflicted broken nose.
In a cab. Towels everywhere. Confused.
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
I was expecting it to be of the "I am your vagina's reckoning" caliber.
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
Randomize
