Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
just saw the guy i hooked up with last nights' face on a billboard. win.
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
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