a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
why did u have a candy cane hung on your dick in the first place?
she has a santa fetish
cute.
Married on the beach in PCB while blackout drunk. Bonged beers on the sandbar for a bachelor party. They shotgunned beers at the end of the vows. How is spring break allowed to happen?
This is the first time since last march I'm gonna be going to a class for more reasons than wanting to bone the girl sitting next to me.
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
I don't know what you're talking about. I just drank beer out of my own bellybutton by doing a backbend and letting it run down my body.
this is not the first time I've had hot dogs and 151 for thanksgiving.
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
Randomize
