Saw shirtless man with angel wing tramp stamp seen biking in my neighborhood. Considering moving.
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
Good luck! Who knows he might be a stallion in the bedroom! or it could be like having sex with a crayon.
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
After he called me a "spirited little girl" I realized that I need to stop sleeping with guys more than ten years older than me.
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
You know you're doing college wrong when you have to bail your RA out of jail
Is offering to blow your HR rep considered an ethics violation?
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
I was totally going to fuck him and then his friend walked in brushing his teeth, whipped down his pants and started doing the windmill. Ultimate cock block
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
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