plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
I mean we've tried to get high on nutmeg, we clearly dont know the definition of "too far"
by the way- Brandy out of a doggy bowl was AMAZING
I don't understand how 5 bottles of booze became normal or acceptable per 2.5 people
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
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