she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
I believe I convinced two girls to makeout for freedom last night Hahaha
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
i'm growling thTa how much i wNn slwwwp.
save me some of whatever you're doing i'll be there in five.
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
Randomize
