My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
i have received so many congratulations texts this morning. sleeping with him really was a good decision.
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
Woke up with two different flip flops on sum burnt at the beach. Who are these French kids plz come back
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I beer bonged before it even hit 4 o' clock. Please get on my level homecoming style.
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
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