So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
I mean, we do coke and have sex occasionally...I wouldn't call that a relationship.
I really hope the fuck ferry pays me a visit to close out 2011 properly.
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
Randomize
