Locked eyes w/ her at mainstreet, and said 'yeah yeah get it!' From there we started violently making out on the dancefloor (I had a FULL boner, ps) and then I got her number
The best revenge is premature balding
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
Get in your clown car, pick up everyone you know, and head to the park. drunk Sledding grand prix tonight. winner takes home the leftover beer
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
last night we were hooking up when all the sudden he just murmured "mm blonde". i don't know what to think about this situation.
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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