I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
From russia with love. But also with chlamydia.
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
He was barking to the beat of "I like to fuck" and then chugged 3 beers and fell off the deck.. I should have gotten community service hours
HIS TAN HAS PUT ME TO SHAME. HE TOOK HIS PANTS OFF AND HIS DICK LOOKED LIKE A GHOST
Thanks for the cold. I shartted and sat through a whole soccer game. James made 3 scores.
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
Randomize
