'hiiiigh' is saved in my t9 for a reason
The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
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She narrowed it down to 7 guys that could have gotten her pregnant.
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
I'm trying to get fucked by 4 girls here, and you're worried about verb tenses?!
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
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I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
i bet he makes cat noises to excite himself.
If I say I hate myself for it does it make it any better?
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
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