Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
Contrary to popular belief, while 19 is an attractive age, it does not equate to sexual prowess.
i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
Randomize
