how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
I'm pretty sure I saw a man standing on a table with no shirt on getting sugar thrown at him while "pour some sugar on me" blaring while the cops were in the house.
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
being alone eating nachos and drinking from a giant munchen beermug really isnt that sad
I will not ride trays down a flight of stairs topless and drunk....
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
there is a guy passed out on top of me and i don't know what to do. help if you're awake? was anyone anyone expecting someone? maybe he found the wrong room?
I cNt phones. tingles in my fingles. jingles
if Anne Taylor knew what she did in her clothes, she'd be banned from the store.
oh come on, it's the perfect length summer dress to blow a stranger in the bathroom in
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
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