And then I said "flip over. I want to show you something i learned in Afghanistan."
please say your awake. the girl i brought home last night...any idea on a name? she isnt up yet...
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
Just saw the hottest 4 garbage men ever. They should make a calendar
i feel this will be the best possible way to start a friendship. By breaking into his house.
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
Queso dip and pictures of Daniel's penis. It's like the last days of Rome over here.
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
Our nipples touched last night. It was tender.
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
Randomize
