Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
Life's too short to consider the larger psychological underpinnings of my lust.
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
Just got my period. This just makes my beach escapade totally even that much more ok.
Just got a blowjob in her closet with two people sleeping outside in the room. I feel like the emperor of college.
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
Randomize
