I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
HEY. NO. THIS IS ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW. YOUR COCK, MY MOUTH, THATS IT.
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
I wish i didn't black out tuesday so i could have cherished our moment together
Throwing up together is NOT a cherishable moment...
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