i dont know what it is, i just found it in my pants.
we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
Dude like i feel like i did ALL OF THE DRUGS yesterday
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
It's very finicky. Like baking. or BDSM.
Randomize
