he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
I'm high, and her 2,100 tagged pictures annoy me even MORE. I wish it had a google searchbar so I could type in "cleavage pics" to get to the point.
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
Her brother is definitely not gay. I hooked up with him when she was sleeping.
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
This is what happens when wu tang raised you
You climbed out your own window and walked in the front door..
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
apparently ive been in a long term relationship for the past 1 1/2 years w/ out knowing
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