I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
Hold my feet while i lean out of the window of the truck.
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
No. I think its because I really and truly know that he is a moron and his future prospects are zoo animals.
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
I now have a "weirdest thing a guy ever did in bed" story. Cut my fingernails.
Yeah I'm gonna need you to stop it right there.I know this is supposed to be a safe space but Imma have to exit.
I don't wanna SLEEP with him, I want to start bar fights with him. There's a difference.
Randomize
