where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
i just realized how high i was when i was screaming red light challenge at the top of my lungs and am watching it alone
I was so high i believed someone when they told me le moyne beat syracuse
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
its not you its me. and by that i mean i am more interested in having random one night stands with random hot girls then having the same normal sex with u.
i woke up in his neighbors pool house. Not sure how I got here but there is people swimming outside. how do I escape?
just fucking run.
he sent me a pic of his dick and balls out with sunglasses over them like a face. i was at dinner.
do you still have it? i kinda want to see.
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
He's both a cowboy and a firefighter. Saying "no" was not an option.
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
Randomize
