What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
I wanted to google "huge banana" but I'm pretty sure all I'd get is dick pictures.
Oh. They ARE dating. Kinda sad. Have such an urge to be a huge bitch and steal him but my morality is in the way. FUCK YOU MORALITY.
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
he was extremely fucked up- he thought my sports bra was his boxers. even when his leg wouldnt fit. at least whiskey dick wasnt a problem
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
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