Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
Half my make-up was stuck to his thigh where I'd fallen asleep after the blowjob.
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
Omg 230 lb butch lesbian with a mustache grabbed my dick. I need an adult
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
Do not shit in our house. There is no TP. I am walking to get more, if I do not return, I have probably died of dysentery after my last wagon wheel got stuck in a gulch. Tell Martha and Lou Ann that I love them, and that I passed away doing the Lord's work.
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
Randomize
