my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
I was just tapping my foot in the bathroom at Penn Station just PRAYING for anonymous sex. You know how that goes.
i wish you could fill a pinata with booze
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
dude he was laying on two half-naked chicks, as they rubbed him down with lotion, while rolling a joint. hes like a modern-day african king
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
Randomize
