god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
How can she be afraid to give you a blowjob? It's not like your penis is going to turn on her and eat her.
Do you reaalllllly want to put "porn editor" on your resume?
yeah, she started doing yoga and cocaine....looks good on her.
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
Im pretty sure at one point a very high you yelled, with actual tears in your eyes, "im not wrestling with you anymore, you dont respect my safe word!!"
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
Tell him to put up or shut up. Can't be dangling dick in front of ho's without delivering.
It's just disrespectful
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
