Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
I think I am morally bankrupt
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face.
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
not ubering you a puppy
How dare you not respond to me after opening up a picture of my bare breasts
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
Randomize
