I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
i got lost in a forest last night. this morning I realized the "forest" was just 6 trees on campus.
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
two words: eviction party
since i'm not going, you must continue my tradition of flashing every person there.
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
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