it was all good till he told me to dance slow and quiet
first missing my period. then crying at the clinic... but why?
we had sex 3 months ago. you missed your period 2 weeks ago. but nice try.
Im so hungover
Come over i have rolls
Ecstasy rolls or Challah rolls?
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
any chance you can send me your legal ethics outline, in exchange for say, me buying you a lapdance the next time we go to the strip club?
Yeah he had his two razors labeled "face" and "pubes". Should I be disgusted or impressed?
Omg 230 lb butch lesbian with a mustache grabbed my dick. I need an adult
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
Got drunk with him at an Irish pub ended up losing him for twenty minutes when I finally find him his piss drunk singing Irish folk music with a group of Irish guys and a midget
He meets the coolest people when he's drunk
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
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