i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
Just found my DARE notebook from 6th grade. Extacy was starred and highlighted.
At least I've made one childhood dream come true
I am particularly sorry about getting dome in your backseat. And for thinking you wouldn't notice.
Does the blue bra belong to your sister or cousin?
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
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