I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
In an unrelated matter, im gonna eat you out so much later.
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
I've started recycling nudes. Why should I take new pictures for every single man?
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
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