In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
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Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
he kept saying that we were in ian's fun time place and then continued to act like a dinosaur.
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Thats gotta be it. Also just found out that the fireworks will fit in the airsoft pistols...we are all gonna die
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
Judging by his bulge. This guy is going home with me. Who doesn't want a dick that looks like it used to be a pillar in Rome.
I wonder how vigorously I can jack off in a one person tent without being noticed???
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
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