It was like a drunk episode of Dora the Explorer. In English.
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
Me and my boss just exchanged pictures of our bongs and such...I don't know I feel about this
So. Much. Porn.
Randomize
