when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
Bad idea. College students cannot afford both alcohol and a cat. Unless said cat is irish, and can feed itself with fifths of whisky.
He was just laying on the stairs and then screamed, "Is that a clubhouse?" I haven't seen him since
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
Phone sex soon? I mean date. Sex date. Date phone.
all 3? possibly?
I think I'm up to the challenge.
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
I'm somewhere between crying and wanting to orgasm.
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
Nice classy night out before we roll our faces off
is it still considered wake n bake if you wake up at 2 pm?
Randomize
