so he tried to quietly tell me my Tampon String was hanging out in front of his family but i didn't hear him so he yelled it
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
I'm afraid my bank account can't handle syllabus week.
Yeah, all the sudden I heard a loud "ding" and realized I had been passed out on the dorm elevator for about an hour....
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
I agree with that homeless guy though, you do need a haircut
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
someone is getting fuckign RAWDOGGED on this campus as we speak and it makes me FURIOUS
Randomize
