I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
it was like she wanted to be a once a week night stand
The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
I hate that I will forever be known as the girl who puked on the front lawn. That only happened once.
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
Randomize
