I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
He has been begging me for a Bj but doesnt want to get mono
How is he gunna get mono? is he gunna suck on his dick after you?
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
For a girl who cried from fear the last time she was asked out, this. Is. TERRIFYING!
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
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