Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
We don't have a lot of plans besides weed and cake
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
Oh and someone pissed in my shoes, so I'll let you figure that out.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
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