I told him I wanted to have sex to "halleluiah", he suggested the poke-rap.
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
Opened my notebook to coke all over the pages. So, if that's any indication on how this weekend went.
he went down on me while I ate Oreos. I don't know what caused the orgasm.
Anyone who can sit 4 hours in a doobie circle with their feet in a kiddie pool is ok by me
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
Randomize
