I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
May i just say it is extremely difficult to pee in a cape
So am I a slut for not remembering his name after sex last night or not recognizing him in the cafe today after he told me who he was?
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
Let's be honest. I make up for my well below average sized penis with a great personality and a possibly successful future
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
Come get me...at gazebo by side entrance....im passed out in a bush...this is a Bar A bouncer texting for your buddy
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
when i woke up with rugburns on the tops of my feet, knees, and chin i was a little confused. and then i remembered i had sex with him in his friends walk in closet.
Randomize
