i wish we had vans that drove around at night but insteand of ice cream and jolly tunes its taco bell and the macarena
We each get one free throw up cleaning, no questions asked.
She brought up feelings... her days are numbered
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
I have nothing to say other than the obvious 'we probably shouldn't have done that' and the less obvious 'i think you bruised my labia major' ...?
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
Randomize
