Skipped a towel and decided to spit the cum into his face. I now owe him new contacts.
My brother and I both agreed that your boobs are fake.
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
did we cross streams again? the only thing I remember is seeing a dick
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
this hospital has no fireball
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
still can't believe dude took a personal call while he was balls deep in my mouth.
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Randomize
