dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
I'm using the house around the corner that my parents rent out to people as a means of getting sex. I just tell them I'm going for a walk and just invite my next hook up over
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
i just remember sliding through the snow and yelling i love america before puking on the oncoming cars
we tried to exchange flip flops in the parking lot and fell over then army crawled home
He looks like he was the one that always had koolaid stains around his mouth as a kid, he can fuck off.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
We are such grown women, dealing with life's problems one shower beer and reckless makeout session at a time.
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
His PENIS is so fucking big that I always use caps, out of respect.
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
