I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
I woke up and took my shirt off, and there was what I was assume to be pieces of tree in my chest hair. Any ideas about that one?
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
my vagina hasn't met your boyfriend yet ... makes me sad
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
Randomize
