My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
Let's bang like we're on a Lifetime Channel movie.
Don't get me started, it sucks when the one thing you have in common with a girl is not wanting penis inside you.
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
I got a Cease & Desist email from NBC for downloading Bruno. I am not going down for gay porn.
I wish I could just thrust my cock straight into her new relationship.
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
It's settled. One of us is going to bang her brother. The world demands justice and he's hot. We'll be the justice league if it were made of alcoholic whores
At first it will make you think "how is this physically possible?" and then it will ruin an entire food group for you.
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
Randomize
