you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
I have said "that's the wrong hole" for the last time.
Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
let's skip the party, and just play drunken wii, again. its time to give my vag a break.
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I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
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I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
I'm done, I have no more memes or ways to ask for nudes, so yeah
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
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