I just spent twenty minutes with brandons dad explaining why head isnt typically considered sex...can we say awkward?
Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
Plus apparently whenever one of her friends loses their virginity they get a party with a funfetti cake which I found funny
We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
Randomize
