The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
So Ive decided I have serious issues. Im walking around the school with a bag labeled booze money collecting from people while slightly hungover at 8:20 in the morning, and nobody is questioning me.
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
So I'm at planned parenthood and there are 5 people here from Friday's party.
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
so how about you dont randomly call my mother during parties?
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
Randomize
