i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
Yeah I guess I was Pocahontus. If she were a trifling drunk who hung out in her undies, with possible brain damage.
I just found 22 drunken videos and 4 naked pictures on my phone. We'll start the bidding at $5
Nope it's a specific set of cards not like a normal ace, queen king thing....kinda like UNO, but instead of yelling UNO you get shitfaced
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
We hooked up in his car and afterwards he cried. I think I need to find a new hookup...
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
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