I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
He still wants to giggity, regardless of his girlfriend. So...I guess I'm happy again.
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
I'm really debating making a second facebook. Same name only with DRUNK at the end. That way I can keep the guys I only talk to when I'm drunk on that facebook and only go on it when im drunk.
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
Not my type, but the penis looks fun.
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
Randomize
