Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
I know its been a few months but you must know you hve the 2nd biggest dick I've ever seen. 1st place went to a rapper so don't feel bad.
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
My dick has been in way too much crazy the past 2+weeks, but hey it feels good to fuck consistently again
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
Randomize
