I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
Lunch date was a success. And you'll be proud- my legs stayed closed.
Randomize
