he just fed my chickens on farmville...i guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex<3
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
