i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
you spent the like half the night trying to figure out the puzzles on the back of the captn crunch box
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
using the left over highlighters from the blacklight party to study for finals. feeling the need to write insert penis here on my econ notes.
I'm listening to bach and watching porn,is that a sign of depression?
Quite the contrary. Sophistication.
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
The impact your presence has on my vagina without even putting your hands on me is quite astonishing, impressive and a little disturbing.
We need to get me chipped asap
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
you were peeing in her backyard and some dude came outside and looked at you and was like "thats not a pee spot" and you said "well it is now" then i joined you. Forever poppin squats <3
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
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