How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
What should I wear?
Uhhhhh...idk? it's a gay bar
I found something that says "i'm here to party, but not fuck guys."
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
Really, who hasn't had sex on your bed?
ME.
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
We get up to three toppings. Dignity is not one of them.
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize
