i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
I heard that if you win you get to have sex with me. You guys really need to stop wagering my vagina.
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
I asked her if she was the outdoorsy type, she replied "I had sex on a fourwheeler once, does that count?"
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
Are you around on Saturday? Feeling a trip over
Wet with either fear or sexual excitement
I think a mixture of both is appropriate
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
She was cleaning herself at the bus stop. She also picked up gum off the ground and ate it
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
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