My cousin just told me i smelled good. She must like the smell of cum.
whore
If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
Getting on a bus with a beer pong table. I am proof we can make this campus fun.
5 am booty call not ok. The fact I actually went over definitely not ok. My vag needs to learn some control.
the fact that your 21st birthday is also new years eve is pretty much a death sentence
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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