I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
Now I'm watching The History of Sex on the History Channel. They're talking about how repressed the 30s were. I think I understand why grandma is such an angry person.
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
We can't all go after the girl with the low self-esteem
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
I was so intoxicated last night I was giving out my real name and number ugh.
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
I'm high. The text bubbles floating do no justice to the underwater experiences
Randomize
